Breaking Past the Seals
by CthuLuna
Summary: Cullen's infatuation with Charity Amell is mutual, but the heroic warden is called away from Kinloch Hold as soon as their feelings are undeniably implied. She makes every possible detour she can to return to her templar, but with so many forces working against them she worries that her freedom to live without the Circle's restrictions on love will end before the blight does.
1. Polar Opposites

Breaking Past the Seals, Chapter 1 – Polar Opposites

* * *

I always cared about Cullen, and of course I know if things had been different, we might have been able to openly fall for one another. Skirting around each other in the halls, never acknowledging the unspoken feelings until after my Harrowing was something we had done for months.

I can't believe I didn't notice him – _really_ notice him – for so long. I remember when he first came to the tower. Even through the armor I could tell he was wiry. The armor that he was fitted with was small to accommodate to his frame, which was no doubt still slim despite his templar training. Overall, he was just cute. Taking his duties very seriously, he was always stiffly alert for any signs of blood magic or demons. It wasn't until he had been stationed at the tower for years and he had grown until I had taken a good look at him. There had been a great change. For one, he had gotten considerably more fit, enough to require new armor when the last set had grown too small. His face was less gaunt than before and his features were accented by his ruddy beard.

After spending years there, he began to feel at home. Templars were just as confined to the tower as we mages, though they would be punished far less severely if they left. When he was familiar with the place he was able to grow comfortable, at least in his down time. He was composed. Well, until he noticed someone looking his direction. Every time I saw him trying to interact, he was nervous. I didn't know what to make of it. He went from confident to skittish in a matter of months after I started to pay attention. I asked others about it, but they said he was only that way around me. I waved them off, thinking they were being daft or playing on my crush on him. I hadn't caught him looking at me, so why should I have believed them?

It turns out I had been oblivious. I was pretending to read in the library, facing him so I could see if he watched me as Jowan, Anders, and Petra said. When I realized they were right all along, I decided to put him on the spot. I considered calling it out, but ended up being merciful, especially when I heard his stutter. It made me feel bad for wanting to tease him, so I played nice. It was a full week before I found out, after overhearing him converse with the Knight-Commander, that he didn't have a stutter any time besides talking to me. I was flattered and worked from then on to put him at ease. This was the distraction that made the announcement of my scheduled Harrowing a complete surprise. I didn't know whether to be relieved or embarrassed when I learned that he would there for it.

He took me aside when the chamber was being prepared and I waited at the foot of the stairs. I knew the risks, having had the tower gossip Anders to share all he had to go through for it. While we waited for Irving and Greagoir to call upon me and begin the test, he initiated conversation for the first time. I'll never forget what he told me before he went ahead to stand by his Knight-Commander.

"The Maker will be with you, Charity. And so will I." After his brief encouragement, he cleared his throat and shuffled up the stairs noisily in his heavy armor.

Our eyes met only once when I entered the chamber. He looked concerned. I felt a moment of apprehension, but when my body was consumed by the magic of lyrium, I completed my trial with confidence. He was relieved enough to gasp and quickly close the distance between us when he saw me walk out of the apprentice chambers upon waking from that nightmarish trial. I was so touched that he was worried about me.

"You're awake! Oh, Maker be praised," he breathed. His relief made his eyes shine like never before. I wanted to speak, to tell him there was no need for concern, but the power of his emotions silenced me. "I'm-I'm glad your Harrowing went smoothly. The Knight-Commander picked me to strike you down if you... you know, you didn't..." His face darkened sadly and was unable to finish his sentence aloud as if the threat of my failure still loomed over me. Of course, that is what templars were taught to believe, that we were volatile. Poorly constructed time bombs capable of causing insurmountable destruction. I didn't blame him for believing them.

"It's alright," I cooed. He smiled and took the last few steps that brought him close enough to take both my hands in his.

"I know. I shouldn't have doubted. You were always strong, intelligent, and kind. I can't imagine you falling prey to demons and you must know I will do everything in my power to keep that from happening. If you ever feel the temptation, come to me. I will do my best to talk you through it." Considering it was one of the first times we had spoken at length, I was surprised he was going so far.

Never being one to even dream of refusing him, I said, "Cullen, the only temptation I have ever faced is you." His breath hitched and the familiar pink flush tinged his cheeks.

"I know that temptation very well." He had our hands joined long enough for me to warm the silverite gauntlets he wore. The metal kept us from having real contact between his calloused fingers and mine that never had any damage done save parchment cuts. I didn't want to settle for our only touch being one where our skin didn't meet and I wasn't able to feel the warmth of his body.

I wanted purely innocent contact with him, of course. Feeling his hands were as far as my mind had gone for now, though it was commonly understood that all mages were as promiscuous as my dear friend, Anders. It was imperative that mages as well as templars resist physical temptations and I wasn't willing to risk the consequences of any indiscretion that could have occurred between us. I was always one to obey the laws of the Circle and the Maker. I didn't see being locked away in a tower as oppressive as most of the other mages did. I respected the valiant templars, coarse as they were at times. Perhaps I was dazzled by the shine of their armor, or enchanted that they, unlike the male mages, had a dominant and masculine presence.

The spell was broken when he remembered where we were. With our admissions said, he cleared his throat and stepped back, causing our hands to slide apart with dreadful slowness. He didn't leave me, but stood back a respectable two feet. I didn't want to hear the distant, controlled dismissal he was rehearsing so I beat him to it.

"I should go. I need to see Irving about my new status in the Circle." He nodded and his charming smile returned.

"Go ahead, then. I'm very proud of you." Instead of sidestepping toward the stairs, I took deliberate steps forward, not slowing until my face neared his. I kissed him on the cheek while brushing my fingers against the short stubble on his jaw. His fingers ghosted over my sides as if he just barely stopped himself from pulling me closer. He began to turn his face towards me so our lips would meet, but there was hesitation as well as intense desire. He lingered with his mouth near mine, our breath mingled in the short distance that remained. Instead, he sharply turned his head forward and stared at the wall ahead of him. I felt guilty for teasing him so much.

But just a little...


	2. Siren's Call

BPS, Ch 2 – Siren's Call

* * *

That was the last time I saw Cullen before becoming a warden, and since then my life had been a blur between each new battle I had to face. Anytime I saw Alistair use his templar abilities on an emissary, I thought of Cullen and it would be long, torturous minutes before I could get him out of my mind. There was no one that could replicate the chemistry Cullen and I had. Any idea of finding another who would satisfy my heart's longings was too absurd to me to entertain.

Alistair's light-hearted chatter helped me through the worst of my nostalgia. As sweet as he was, I didn't want to get involved with him. He was a templar as well, and reminded me too much of Cullen. It felt like I was trying to replace him with the closest thing I could find. Zevran was certainly unsuitable, and I won't even acknowledge Leliana's attention. I regularly had to duck out of sight when she was looking at me far too sweetly.

I simply wouldn't settle for another. With the turn my life had taken, what was the point of entertaining thoughts of a romance? That didn't stop the dreams from coming. My nightmares of the darkspawn were a welcome change. There was no desire in those dreams. I wouldn't wake with an ache in my chest when the Archdemon sang to me in my sleep – which is not nearly as melodic or enticing as it sounds. After a nightmare it was as easy as wiping the sweat from my brow and emerging into the cold night to relieve one of my companions from watch, letting the crisp Ferelden winds erase the horrors of the blight.

You can imagine my excitement when it was time to meet with the First Enchanter concerning the Grey Warden treaty established between my order and the mages. I intended to stay there for days, rushing the others out of the Brecilian Forest once the curse had been lifted and urging them to keep up the pace so I could return to my home and my admirer, just for a little while.

The grief I felt was overwhelming when I went to the tower to see so many mages and our faithful guardian templars dead. Men and women I knew all my life, children I had briefly tutored – nearly all of them were dead. After I ran into Wynne on the first floor, we gradually advanced through the halls together, fighting countless demons. She worried about Irving's fate all along the way, and so much more fiercely than that did I worry for Cullen.

When I saw him surrounded by the magical barrier, trapped in with the corpses of three other templars, I was fearful for his sanity. He took one glance at me and jerked his head back, hissing through his teeth as if he was stung. He hid his face behind his clasped hands as he prayed fervently. I knew the others felt at least some degree of shock as well when I heard Wynne utter 'poor boy.' Cullen's prayers ceased when he shouted at us.

"Begone! I won't give in to these visions." I got as close to the barrier as I dared, unsure if it was infused with harmful magic. I got on my knees so I was level with Cullen, who knelt in the center of his prison.

"Cullen, I'm not a vision. It's me, I'm really here! Tell me how I can stop this. The magic is too strong for us to dispel."

"Silence," he roared. "Filthy demon of desire. You will die for mimicking her voice so perfectly. She is only a temptation when it's truly her, so back! Back to the Fade!" I was speechless. I didn't know how to reach him without magic, for mine wasn't able to penetrate the barrier. Zevran chuckled behind me, despite the completely humorless situation.

"You must be quite the little minx to have him wrapped around your finger." I angrily whipped around to face him best I could without turning my body away from Cullen.

"Shut up, you sleazy bastard!" I had already returned my attention to the barrier and trapped templar, searching for any clues that might help me break through to him, when Alistair inched closer to Zevran.

"I think you might want to take this opportunity to stop talking, for once."

All Zevran dared to say was, "Agreed."

Wynne suggested we continue to the Harrowing chamber. She sensed strong, foul magic within and as soon as I cleared my head of anxiety for Cullen's situation, I felt it too. We entered the Harrowing chamber and released the tower from the corruption of demons and blood mages, preventing the deaths of any more undeserving mages and templars. When we exited the chamber, Petra had come to rejuvenate Cullen with her spells.

She had followed us at a distance to offer support in battle and was now cleansing the area with healing magic, with the aid of the few apprentices she was guarding. Their strongest healer had done all she could and was leading Cullen back to the Knight-Commander. I stayed at the top of the stairs by the Harrowing chamber's door, nervously fidgeting with the collar of my robes. Alistair was by my side, noticing my worried look as I watched Cullen until he was out of sight.

"He'll be fine once this is all over. The templars don't recruit weak spirited men." Alistair's words, and the confidence he spoke them with, were comforting. Still, I couldn't help but voice my doubts.

"Everyone has their breaking point."

We did remain in the tower an extra night, as I had planned. The only consolation was the familiarity of the apprentice quarters. I chose my old bed to rest in. The others stayed in the apprentice quarters as well since most of the battle's gore was further down the hall and everywhere above it. Despite the days events and an overwhelming depression that gripped me, when I finally slept I slept soundly.

Much to my relief I was able to speak to Cullen the following morning. I found him in the apprentice's library near the index books. He saw me across the room when I was coming to greet him.

"It really is you. The siren herself." He looked me over as a walked toward him as if seeing me for the first time in much longer than the few months it had been. Granted, I imagine I looked quite different. The constant fighting and traveling had shaped my body. Everyone always treated me as if I was frail and that idea was justified. My muscles had become strong, as if I hadn't spent most of my physically undemanding life wandering the halls of this multistory shelter, plump like a contented priestess. I also felt taller, but that is just my newfound confidence talking.

"In the flesh," I smiled.

"I didn't mean to scare you yesterday. I can't even count the number of times since all this began that you really were a vision." His face hardened with effort to shut the horrors of the previous day out. I searched my mind for something to say that would distract him.

"I missed you," I ended up blurting. I wasn't sure how he would react with recent events but a faded version of the sweet smile was there, and it was certainly a start.

"And I, you." What he said was so simple, but it was the best thing I had heard in months. That description is inadequate without further explanation – the last few months seemed to have lasted a lifetime, and a troubled one at that. I faced such little harassment in the tower, oppression was all but unknown to me. It was something I read about in grotesque tales. I never expected my travels to turn into such an ordeal, so his short reply was like breathing fresh, clean air after a decade in the Deep Roads, surrounded by the scents of nug filth and darkspawn corpses.

I casually moved closer to him, leaning on the bookcase and kept our conversation light. Never before had we been able to just talk without a worry about anyone passing. Both our duties were lax for the day since the treaty was to be honored and he was under strict orders to take it easy.

We spent hours talking. Best of all, both of us are soft-spoken so our conversation required nearness. At length I drew out the full radiance of his smile, and he drew several blushes and giggles from me, which I could tell he enjoyed seeing and hearing, embarrassing as it was for me. When all nonspecific topics were exhausted, he began to speak his thoughts of me aloud.

"With you here, it's so easy to believe nothing has changed. The library is hardly in disarray at all." Of course, his back was to the side of the room that had been scorched when the rage demons dissipated in their large explosion of fire. I couldn't help but laugh at his obliviousness to it, but he didn't stop there. "You wear the same robes, it's like I've seen you every day these past months and you never left. I have to wonder if you haven't subtly been healing me since you've come in. I don't know how else one person's company could make me feel so much better."

"If I had been healing you, shouldn't you have noticed?" I cocked my head to the side as I teased him.

"With the spell you have me under, the whole tower could be crumbling around my ears and it would never dawn on me." The intensity in his eyes made me avert mine, lest I be blinded from it. Just as I had to when I stepped outside with Duncan for the first time in years, I looked to my feet to avoid the sun's brilliancy as it lit up the sky and reflected off of the ripples on Lake Calenhad.

Cullen wasn't having it. He pressed two fingers to my chin so I would raise my head and focus on him again. My bashfulness made me want to keep looking elsewhere, but the coldness of his gauntlets made me instinctively raise my head, and his face was so close it filled my vision. "I can't even measure the time I've spent loving you. Every day since I realized it has flowed from one moment I got to see you to the next. All the time between that was unimportant."

I couldn't begin to match his confession with my own, but I had to let him know my heart was in the same place. I reached out to him, buried my fingers in the strawberry blonde curls behind his ears and pulled him to me. There was no hesitation, no uncertainly like the last time he and I were alone. He closed the distance in one sure motion and kissed me. He and I were both starved for the contact. As two people who were taught to refrain from having such contact with another, whether it be from a vow to the Maker or to prevent sharing the hereditary curse of magic, we had an equally impassioned yearning toward each other.

He brought his hand to my face, the cold silverite momentarily distracted me again. I laced my fingers with his and brought my other to the cuff of that gauntlet and slid it off. After discarding it on the bookshelf next to me, I pressed his hand against my face so I could finally feel the warmth of his palm. His fingers caressed my cheek and neck so gently it tickled. I unintentionally broke the kiss when I shivered and laughed. He paused from the sudden broken contact but laughed with me, apologizing through chuckles. He kept his hand near my face, touching my cheek and pushing back a lock of hair that was short enough to escape the ponytail the rest was tied back in.

With a somber mumble, he asked, "When do you have to leave?"

"Soon," I admitted.

"Much too soon." We stayed within yards of each other for the remainder of my stay there. When lunch was prepared for us, we ate with the survivors of the tower. While we ate, my eyes kept locking with Cullen's, who sat close to the Knight-Commander. After the meal it was time for us to leave. I wished the Knight-Commander and First Enchanter luck with the tower's repairs and ducked back into the apprentice quarters on the pretense I had forgotten something. Cullen met me there and we shared another kiss, just as captivating as the first. Our goodbye was short, for it was far too painful to prolong and when I met Wynne outside the towers doors with flushed lips and a long face, she cast a rejuvenation spell on me, encouraging me out of my melancholy with a rush of positive energy. It took the edge off the homesickness I felt before we even reached the Spoiled Princess. I completely forgot to thank her for that.


	3. Stolen Moments

BPS, Ch 3 – Stolen Moments

* * *

Our final treaty was for Orzammar, and when I met the young dwarf Dagna, who expressed unmatched enthusiasm for the Circle of Magi and all the knowledge we had to offer. I was determined to escort her personally. By now, I shouldn't have to say why.

There were many times I thought I would never make it to the surface again. Often I wondered if, in our weeks in the Deep Roads, Dagna had grown tired of waiting and had already left for the tower, taking my excuse to see Cullen with her. The constant darkness of the darkspawn-infested tunnels had all of us feeling low-spirited. Alistair's anxiety about the duties of his birthright caused him to be restless and overwrought, Morrigan and Sten were increasingly agitated, Leliana was doubly sorrowful. Even Zevran kept his eyes cast down and his lewd and sardonic remarks to a minimum. The only one that was excited was our guide, Oghren, though only because we were the first willing to aid him on the search for his wife.

After the long journey to the Anvil of the Void and back, we showed up at the Chamber of the Assembly with enough leverage to cast our vote for the more honorable of the two dwarven candidates. King Harrowmont's first declaration as king, after he defended himself against Bhelen's vengeful attack, was the promise to send troops to the surface to aid us in the Blight.

I searched the Commons and found Dagna. Her father had not come to terms with her decision to leave Orzammar, but was powerless in the face of her determination. Our only stop on the way back to the tower was at Redcliffe to inform Arl Eamon that the armies were ready for the call and that Ferelden's rightful king had all the support he would have until more meticulous measures to sway the nobility could be taken.

I left the politics to the men and spent my time describing every detail of the tower to my dwarven friend. Wynne chastised me for talking about it in such high regard. She believed I was dooming the girl toward disappointment romanticizing it so heavily, but I was speaking from my honest experience of life in Kinloch Hold. Speaking of romantic, I was excited I would get to see Cullen again. My weighty thoughts in the Deep Roads had centered around how my life had even less room for love, though I had at last found it. With bitterness, I realized the pain he would feel when – if I fell to the darkspawn before this Blight ended. That was not a thought for now, though. I would continue to treasure our stolen moments.

Our arrival at the tower was as much of a surprise as the first. Dagna was struck with awe, Knight-Commander Greagoir was relieved the apprentice I brought was only a scholar and no one that would be susceptible to the demon's temptation. Irving immediately set to work on finding a place for her. I knew her practical skills acquired in the smith caste would be useful while repairs were still being made.

We were invited to spend days of rest there and we wardens heartily accepted. Alistair wanted to stall as long as we could before going to Denerim, so we spent three days there. All of my group came, even Morrigan, though she scurried in as a mouse and kept out of sight for the most part. Hiding in the center of her enemy's base was a delightful game to the spiteful apostate. I was happy to make her see that side of things.

Cullen had resumed his duties as a templar, but was mostly stationed in the room that served as our own special chantry. Greagoir recognized that he was most thoroughly traumatized so he was posted where he could most easily heal. I had the pleasure of surprising him as he was kneeling by an altar on one of his breaks when I arrived. I sat on the pew nearest where he was and pretended to read the chant of light. When he finished his prayers and turned, he did a double take. I couldn't fight the smile and gave away that my mind was far from thoughts of the Maker and Andraste. He played along with my act and calmly sat in the pew behind me. When the lone priestess walked out, he used a finger to playfully flip my hair into an arc, making it swish like a horse's tail. I laughed and shifted to face him. Our game had become difficult to maintain when I wasn't able to see him.

"I had no idea you were coming," he began.

"For a while I wasn't sure I'd be able to so soon."

"Soon? These weeks have dragged so slowly." It hadn't occurred to me that with the boredom of the tower, he could more acutely feel my absence than the constant fighting allowed me to feel.

Cullen took my hand in both of his and kissed it. Remembering how I didn't like the feel of his gauntlets – rather I _preferred_ touching his bare hands – he took them off and warmed my somehow always cold hands with his.

"I've been reading more about the Grey Wardens. I mean, I did before... The first time you left, but that was mostly a history of the order. The most recent text I've come across is more about what you have to do." He sighed, letting me know he had become aware of the more treacherous duties and challenges I faced every day. "Tell me it's not so dangerous," he pleaded. I brought my free hand over to play with his hair.

"Stop reading those books. You know writers have a flair for the dramatic." He stood up and slowly walked around me so he could sit by my side. He did so with another long sigh as he rested his arm around the back of the pew, partially to have it around me. He stared at the cloth on my sleeve, well aware that I was trying to console him by any means.

"You're a poor liar."

"Don't read anymore about it," I repeated. "Worrying will make the separation worse."

"It can get worse?" I had no answer for him and hoped my presence alone would cheer him up. It was hard enough to make myself at ease when similar thoughts crossed my mind. Consoling another was more difficult that it ever was before. "Can you ever leave the wardens?"

"I don't know. It has a way of... affecting you for the rest of your life. Even if I wasn't in their company, I would still be a warden. My duties will never end. Just as templars have to devote their lives to serving the Maker." I shared as much as I could matter-of-factly. It seemed that little news from outside the tower reached even the templars. Had they been more aware of how hopeless it looked, and I finally admit it seems hopeless after seeing the Archdemon in the Deep Roads, Cullen would never let me go or would have come along as a bodyguard. As much as I'd have loved to recruit him, and that did cross my mind, I couldn't subject him to this life. He was as sheltered as I was. My awakening had been a delivered with a hard slap when we lost the Battle of Ostagar. I didn't want to know how he would act under the same pressure.

I abruptly decided to change the direction our mood had taken. "Enough of this. When do you get a break to eat?"

"My post is still pretty flexible so... anytime really." I stood up while holding his hands, guiding him to do the same.

"Have you read about Grey Warden appetites?" If he could deal with the unladylike eating habits I picked up on the road, I would be impressed. It would be entertaining to find out. I wasn't nearly as ravenous last time I came to the tower, considering what took place.

"Umm... No?" He looked thoroughly confused and I knew he was underestimating my bottomless stomach.

"Have you ever seen a woman eat like a horse?" He chuckled at my playful questioning while putting his gauntlets back on.

"Of course I have. You always ate like one, you know." His grin widened when he saw my feigned indignation.


	4. Adventure Time

BPS, Ch 4 – Adventure Time

* * *

We had to remind ourselves not to be so obvious with others around. Wynne knew, of course, and I had a feeling she shared this information with First Enchanter Irving. Thankfully, his rivalry with Greagoir meant he would never give away the secret of a harmless romance between a templar and someone who was no longer under their jurisdiction.

One by one, most of the other traveling companions of mine caught on as well. Since Cullen had to stay near the chantry, I spent most of my time there to be near him. He watched me as I read from the chantry's separate book collection - most of it centered around Andraste, the Golden City, the Black City, and many other religious topics. Leliana visited the chantry often, teasing me about suddenly acting "devout" though I had never shown an interest in religion before. I gave her dismissive remarks about always having been Andrastian and that it was not because of a certain handsome templar. Again, my smile gave me away, and again, I was told that I was a terrible liar.

When Cullen didn't have to stand watch over the chantry and the hallway around it, we spent our time talking about our time outside the Circle. He told me of his childhood, why he wanted to be a templar, and the areas of Ferelden he had seen. I spoke of what few memories I had from before coming to the tower, and mostly of my travels since being a Grey Warden. I left out most of the fighting, the countless creatures we fought and demons I faced. When we were out of things to say, a point it took very long to reach, we remained in each other's company, touching whenever we had the privacy to. From a chaste kiss to me leaning my head on his shoulder. Unfortunately, his shoulder guards would have been more difficult for him to shed than his gauntlets.

That gave me an idea, one I wondered if I would regret someday. I showed him the different spots we mages liked to take someone to for "privacy" without telling him what sort of interaction took place there. At first.

He became aware, though not fully, when I kissed him in one alcove. He gladly returned it before pulling away.

"I had never even thought about these places before." I admit, I was feeling adventurous and keenly wanted to see him blush.

"Well, it would be pretty awkward if you did happen upon some mages here. Exceedingly awkward," I emphasized.

"What-what do you mean?"

"Oh, you know." When his look remained puzzled, I gestured toward my robes and pretended to take them off. His eyes got huge before squinting into the most embarrassed expression I had ever seen.

"Oh... My goodness. That... Wha- here?" Success! He was as red as a tomato.

"Mhm. That isn't why I brought you here, by the way. Just to be clear."

"Maker, I - I mean, that's good because that would be really inappropriate and- ooh." Well, he was obviously aroused if the blush, the grin, and the shifting indicated anything at all. To test my theory, I kissed him once more. He pulled me to him tightly and kissed me more passionately than I thought possible.

_Maker damn that armor._ I settled for keeping my hands around his face. When he pulled away he was breathless.

"Don't tempt me like this, love. There is no way I could resist you." I cast an ice spell over us, not enough to do any harm but enough to have an arousal-dousing effect. Maker knows we needed it. He thanked me when he realized what I had done and why.

"While we are being rebellious, do you want to go to the basement?" I was playing a dangerous game. The temptation of having him alone aside, he could have gotten in trouble. If it came to that, I would have no choice but to recruit him. Suddenly the thought of him staying near me at camp, joking with me and Alistair by the campfire, and all the time I had to tease him overwhelmed the fear that he wouldn't pass the Joining when and if we ever had the means to make new Grey Wardens again.

"Why? What's there?" He seemed uncertain about breaking more rules at my command.

"Plenty of interesting things."

"There are dangerous, corrupted artifacts down there." His tone indicated he wanted to protect me from the evil below. Always the guardian templar.

"And privacy. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of keeping my voice low." Like everything else I suggested, he agreed to it.

I didn't know exactly why I wanted to go there. Maybe it was the thrill of all the forbidden fruits I was tasting - loving a templar, being able to get into most rooms without being shooed out by a senior enchanter or tranquil, not going to lessons. He and I wandered the halls of the basement until we got to the room with all the artifacts. I hadn't expected to see Morrigan there, and neither did he.

"Do not mind me," she casually called over her shoulder. I wondered, jealously, if I would have to cast another ice spell over him while he took in the sight of her in those rags. To my relief, he only expressed shock.

He stepped forward in full templar mode until I urged, "Don't mind her." He looked at me incredulously. "She's with me."

"You have an apostate with you?"

"She is useful, you can't have her. Now come." We avoided the phylactery chamber in case he had heard about the manner of my departure, and spent little time below. When my curiosity was satisfied, and the little bit he had was too, we returned to the main floor. I had to admit, it was fun exploring with him. That quelled my desire to take him away and adventure with him. We had our own private adventures.

As with the previous trip, I had to leave too soon.


	5. Gentle Persuasion

BPS, Ch 5 - Gentle Persuasion

* * *

There was much to do in Denerim. _So_ much. I had never expected to be jailed for killing one of the most powerful noblemen in Ferelden, never even dreamed of meeting Queen Anora... and then being betrayed by her at the Landsmeet. That proved to be less of a crippling blow than I had expected when Alistair personally beat Loghain in a duel and then executed him. That is not something I wish to get into, however. What must be done now is for us to swiftly ride to Redcliffe. There were scouts that reported the horde heading there.

That was not the case. It was a sizable group that splintered from the horde, which was actually heading for Denerim- where we had _just_ been. The armies were gathered and we took one final night in Redcliffe before riding out to face the Archdemon. That night was by far the most shocking thanks to two distinct events. The first was when Riordan, the only other Warden in Ferelden, revealed whoever killed the Archdemon would certainly die. The second was Morrigan's true purpose: she wanted to be impregnated by a Warden and have the Old God reborn as her child. Morrigan's ritual didn't guarantee our survival, it only removed the guarantee of one Warden's death. After a full explanation of both revelations, my head was spinning. I was confused, I was angry.

Though Riordan was supposed to be the one to kill the Archdemon, I felt as if the battle wouldn't go according to plan. It isn't often I get premonitions like that, but this time I did and I had never been wrong before. I was angry that Alistair and I were never told ending the Blight would literally cost one of our lives. He, as future king, was the least worthy of us to die with the Archdemon. I, though I know the reason was selfish, did not want to die after finally being free to love. In my mind, neither of us were expendable. I do not regret using blood magic - this one and only time - to make Alistair bed Morrigan. He would have no memory of it. Maker willing, the secret of how I had convinced him will be one I take to my grave. I did not speak of it to Morrigan, though as a blood mage herself she surely noticed.

I thought too much on what I was making Alistair do. It made me think of Cullen, who I had also manipulated a great deal our last trip to the tower. For that, I was less unrepentant. I never used blood magic on him – it never crossed my mind – but I made him overstep countless boundaries. All I could think if was the one boundary we hadn't crossed.

I knew we were going to pass the tower again and badly wanted to make the stop in case I didn't survive as I suspected Riordan would not. I didn't know how to request the last trip to the circle. Alistair, Maker bless his kind soul, suggested it for me.

"You know, we better go escort those mages with us to Denerim. I mean, if we're going to camp anyway, why not there? There's no way we can make it to Denerim in one day, even with our mounts." I agreed with him and my group rode to the tower to bring the mages as Redcliffe's forces made camp at the edge of the Bannorn.

At the tower, we briefly gave Irving the explanation. The mages were going to travel the following morning and we would be with them when they did. That night was as restless as the night at Redcliffe. On the eve of battle, the few mages that were left were bustling around the tower and the templars grudgingly stayed out of their way.

Cullen found me before I was able to make my way to him. He was on edge, though everyone was. We spoke of insignificant matters, skirting the issues for a time until he led me to where we were to have dinner with the rest of the mages and off-duty templars. Now and then, when everyone else was distracted, he leaned closer to me and we would converse as privately as we could with a room full of people.

"I've heard about the battle," he began solemnly. "I wish I could go with you. It's too bad the templars didn't sign one of those treaties."

"I agree. I'd love to fight alongside you." He grasped my hand under the table.

"Maker willing, this will be the last fight you have to face." The rest of supper was spent in uneasy silence. I wasn't sure how to part with him for the night and did so regrettably. He didn't let me get far, however.

"We should… go somewhere," he blurted when we were taking our leave of each other. Both of us were standing in the middle of the hallway outside the apprentice quarters. I turned back to him, wondering if he meant after the battle.

"One of those... Those places you showed me last time you were here." He cleared his throat uncertainly. When I understood what he meant, I was taken aback.

"What?" He sighed, obviously uncomfortable with being so rushed. He took my hand and we ducked into the nearest unoccupied corner, where he promptly spilled his guts.

"I love you. I-I don't want you to go. Ever. But I know you have your duty, as much as I hate that you face so much danger. It's so hard to allow it. That and this desire I've been battling since I've fallen for you - I'm about to crumble under the weight of them both. Sometimes it feels like I can hardly breathe. I need one of those problems to go away, whether it's having you with me tonight or leaving this Maker forsaken country and taking you away from the Blight - I don't even care anymore. I _have_ to have you to myself. Somehow." I had spent half of the time listening with my jaw dropped. Now my mind whirled in a fierce debate. I wasn't about to abandon the country I had fought constantly for a year to save. My problem was with his _other_ proposition.

It wasn't the right time, we both knew it. Nether of us were in any place to resist the temptation either. With the threat of my death in battle, it wasn't surprising in the least that we were acting rashly. I couldn't deny my desire to agree to it, but I had to at least attempt to talk him out of it.

"Cullen... It's so soon."

"Love, if you're uncomfortable with it just say the word and may the Maker strike me down for putting you in this position." I couldn't even form the words to argue. I stared hopelessly at the ground. He waited patiently for an answer, hugging me as close as he could past that damn armor.

_Getting past that armor would be... All I need. For now. _

"It's too soon," I repeated, "But we could spend the night together. Just holding you is all I need."

"I-" he stuttered, thinking over my compromise. Our lives in the Tower so heavily discouraged intimate contact, we had constantly exercised our resistance to our carnal urges. When he came to terms with what I was saying, he looked at me with more calm in his eyes than he had all day. "Yes… Yes, as long as I'm with you."

_I better have my ice spell ready._

"I believe this calls for another trip to the basement." I began leading him without waiting for a response. Much of the movement across the halls had settled down so it was relatively easy to sneak down into one of the bedrooms. The only other person down there was Morrigan, still hiding from the other templars. In case my innocent plan was as doomed as it seemed to be, we chose a room far from hers.

We decided to lie in bed and talk until sleep claimed us. He told me he was a morning person with a strict internal clock and promised not to let me oversleep. As he turned away to remove his weapon, shield, and armor I removed my robes without telling him. If he turned around before I had my tunic and trousers on, so be it. He did not, however. I was already lying in bed when he came over, wearing his casual sleepwear.

When he was lying next to me I gratefully embraced him and was immediately warmed by his body heat. I was finally able to hold him, bury my face in his shoulder and take in his scent. I could feel him breathing on my neck through my hair. He reached around to pull the tie that kept my hair gathered and ran his fingers through it to fan it over my shoulder.

We ended up not speaking. The comfort of being together was enough. My plan to spend the night by his side without making love to him failed miserably. Again, I am unrepentant.


End file.
